Count Your Blessings

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad. 

Proverbs 12:25 (NKJV)

Jesus came to bring light into the darkness and that is exactly what He did for me on Christmas Eve.

I had been struggling with sadness and a debilitating depression all day. That day marked one month since my father's death and it was difficult for me to focus on the meaning of Christmas. All I could think of was that my father was not there to share it with me. I cried. I tried not to cry. I cried some more. I could not even wrap the remaining gifts that needed Christmas paper and ribbon so they could be placed under the tree.

I had to get out of my house where everything was reminding me of the Christmas I spent with my father the year before.

I spent the afternoon at my sister's house preparing for Christmas dinner at her house. It helped to occupy my mind a little but she knew I was having a tough day. Neither one of us were looking forward to celebrating this first holiday without dad.

That evening, on my way home, I realized I needed to get ready for the Christmas Eve Candle Light Service. In the car I began to pray/talk to God about needing help focusing on the reason for the season - Jesus - not my grief. I began to recount out loud why we celebrate Christmas... 

"Jesus was born so He could live His life on earth to die for my sins, He rose from the dead and is in Heaven where my father is with God and I don't need to be sad about that!"

Now, I have to preface what happened next with the fact that The Lord had been impressing upon me to count my blessings for three days and I had been. It started quite simply as little prayer thanking Him for the blessings of a friend and her daughters, but then He led me to read the Hymn "Count Your Blessings" which I had never done before. It really put things into perspective for me, so I had been trying to consciously count my blessings and thank The Lord when He brought to mind all the people in my life He has blessed me with...however, that day I was struggling and had not been able to. So, when I prayed and audibly recounted why I was going to the Candle Light Service I was choosing to break through the fog of depression and count the blessing of Christmas.

I didn't feel better immediately. In fact, nothing changed. I felt the same.

This small prayer gave me enough energy to focus on getting to church but the truth is the depression was so strong I struggled with the simple task of getting my hair and makeup done, so my daughter did it for me. I was determined not to miss the service no matter how heavy the weight of depression seemed.

I stepped into the sanctuary, then I began to feel overwhelmed.  All but the front row of seats taken - that was where I sat last year with dad. "It will be ok," I thought. Then I heard, "the front row is reserved for the pretty ladies." I looked and was greeted with a warm smile and a hug. I didn't feel as overwhelmed and realized God was in control so I took and deep breath and sat down.

A few minutes went by as I surveyed the manger scene, the cross, the candles and more people filtered in and took their seats. Then I heard a familiar voice directly behind me. I began to turn around and I felt a hand on my shoulder, "I've been thinking about you." In a sincere voice that only another who understands the loss of someone dear could express in that moment.

"It's been tough, I've had a hard day." I said. 

"Count your blessings!" Was the reply. And at that very moment Jesus showed up for me. I was witness to the true meaning of Christmas in that instant. Jesus came to shine His Light into my darkness as my earlier prayer was answered right there through my friend. God was reminding me I have choice to change my perspective and I had made that choice in the car earlier. While I didn't "see" it or "feel" different at the time, I continued to move forward in faith and in an instant during that conversation, in response to my faith, God lifted the grief and depression I had been feeling and gave me a blessing through my friend. 

"Count Your Blessings"
When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

(C) Johnson Oatman, Jr., pub.1897, public domain.

Into the Storm

"Now when He got into a boat, His disciples followed Him."
Matthew 8:23 (NKJV)

Have you ever found yourself in a boat in the middle of an ocean and wondered how you got there. Never mind that the boat in the middle of the ocean is being pelted with a raging storm.  Do you continue to scratch your head start asking "why" or maybe at this point start to panic? I don't think any of this is uncommon to the human experience.  However, I have learned a few things in my times at sea; and yes I meant 'times' to be plural for a reason. I think we all go through seasons with the Lord where He leads us into a boat and if we are followers of Him we climb on in, no matter how new in Christ we are.  What happens next is where the difference comes in for me from my earlier walk with Christ and some of my previous storms and this one.  

"And suddenly a great tempest arose on the sea, so that the boat was covered with the waves. But He was asleep." (Matthew 8:24).  The storm arose, we are not promised that one will not, but the previous verse shows that Jesus got into the boat first. So, but can rest in the knowledge that when the storm comes we will not be alone.  But here is the key difference that I want to point out that made all the difference in my storm this time, "But He was asleep." I think in much of my early walk with Christ He was asleep in me.  I knew He was supposed to be alive in me but I didn't always live like it.  This time, I am referring to the storm of my father's cancer and subsequent death, I knew Christ was alive in me and it made all the difference.

Instead of my plea to the Lord being like that of the disciples, "Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, 'Lord, save us! We are perishing!'"(Matthew 8:25), I was able to come to the Lord with another kind of prayer. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7).

I have to be honest, the Lord took me to a new level through this time and showed me a new fear and anxiety that resided deep within that I did not realize was there. "O Lord, You have searched me and known me." (Psalm 139:1).  He searched my heart just liked the disciples. "But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm." (Matthew 8:26).  And when He had given me the answer to my fear and anxiety, He gave me victory and peace over it.

When the disciples witnessed Jesus calming the wind and sea they were astonished.  "So the men marveled, saying, 'Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?'" (Matthew 8:27).  

Like the disciples, I am amazed and awe-struck at the awesomeness of my God every time He calms a storm in my life. Not because I wonder who He is, but because I know who He is.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
Psalm 46:10 (NKJV)