Into the Storm

"Now when He got into a boat, His disciples followed Him."
Matthew 8:23 (NKJV)

Have you ever found yourself in a boat in the middle of an ocean and wondered how you got there. Never mind that the boat in the middle of the ocean is being pelted with a raging storm.  Do you continue to scratch your head start asking "why" or maybe at this point start to panic? I don't think any of this is uncommon to the human experience.  However, I have learned a few things in my times at sea; and yes I meant 'times' to be plural for a reason. I think we all go through seasons with the Lord where He leads us into a boat and if we are followers of Him we climb on in, no matter how new in Christ we are.  What happens next is where the difference comes in for me from my earlier walk with Christ and some of my previous storms and this one.  

"And suddenly a great tempest arose on the sea, so that the boat was covered with the waves. But He was asleep." (Matthew 8:24).  The storm arose, we are not promised that one will not, but the previous verse shows that Jesus got into the boat first. So, but can rest in the knowledge that when the storm comes we will not be alone.  But here is the key difference that I want to point out that made all the difference in my storm this time, "But He was asleep." I think in much of my early walk with Christ He was asleep in me.  I knew He was supposed to be alive in me but I didn't always live like it.  This time, I am referring to the storm of my father's cancer and subsequent death, I knew Christ was alive in me and it made all the difference.

Instead of my plea to the Lord being like that of the disciples, "Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, 'Lord, save us! We are perishing!'"(Matthew 8:25), I was able to come to the Lord with another kind of prayer. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7).

I have to be honest, the Lord took me to a new level through this time and showed me a new fear and anxiety that resided deep within that I did not realize was there. "O Lord, You have searched me and known me." (Psalm 139:1).  He searched my heart just liked the disciples. "But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm." (Matthew 8:26).  And when He had given me the answer to my fear and anxiety, He gave me victory and peace over it.

When the disciples witnessed Jesus calming the wind and sea they were astonished.  "So the men marveled, saying, 'Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?'" (Matthew 8:27).  

Like the disciples, I am amazed and awe-struck at the awesomeness of my God every time He calms a storm in my life. Not because I wonder who He is, but because I know who He is.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
Psalm 46:10 (NKJV)

 

Hope

"... for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5b (NKJV)

Coming face to face with separation anxiety has to be one of the more deeply painful experiences I can share with you.  Logically, I can tell you why this anxiety makes its presence known in my mind.  But emotionally I continue to find myself sucker-punched when I least expect it.  

My father has Stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized to the brain.  While dealing with his doctors and nurses and all of the day to day issues of life and dying, I began to eat and sleep less than my body required. 

"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding..."(Philippians 4:7) had kept my heart and mind through Christ Jesus and carried me through these past several months.  But when my sisters and I went to pre-plan funeral arrangements for my father I began to lose a battle in my mind that I didn't realize was being waged. As a result my mind went to a dark place worrying about everyone I care about and love. 

Thoughts of each person raced through my mind and fear set in as I began to worry that my loved ones were going to leave.  Now, realistically I understood my father was ill and when it is God's time, my father will exchange his earthly body for an eternal one and take up residence in Heaven.  But I couldn't understand why I started to fear the loss of everyone. This fear of loss continued to spiral until that is all I could see.

After help from friends and family and a team of doctors, nurses and pastors, I was finally able to identify the source of my anxiety. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) and it is with this knowledge that God carried me through the battle of my mind.  

Ever feel cold with the sun on your face?

Ever feel alone in a crowded place?

Ever feel ashamed for a part of your past?

Ever feel like the dye's been cast?

When you find yourself there

And you are haunted by your cares.

Remember, you've got to carry on,

It's always darkest before dawn.

So when the day breaks anew

You will see the Son shining through.

And then you will know

You are never alone.

Love Each Day Without Regret

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us."
I John 4:11-12 (NKJV)

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday regarding life, death and the circumstances surrounding my father's current state of health.

He asked whether I would want to know how much time someone had left to live (as with a serious illness) and watch them fade away, or would I rather find out one day they died suddenly?

I said, selfishly, I'd want to have all the time I could with them and have "no regrets." He said, "If you live each day loving them, then you don't have the regret."

Feeling Under Appreciated?

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:23-24

In the words of men greater than I, (the Prophets Isaiah and Jeremiah and the Apostle Paul) "Woe is me!" 

I must confess the discrepancy between blog entries has been longer than I anticipated or even desired.  To be honest, life has thrown my family a curveball and I am learning to adapt and overcome on a daily basis.  My father had survived lung cancer but his failing health has our family in constant concern.  During the past couple of weeks his health has gotten worse and our need for concern was confirmed.  The cancer has metastasized to the right, rear cerebellum. This affects his motor skills and short term memory.  

It seemed as though we have been taking him to Doctor's appointments or emergency room visits day after day, sometimes twice in a day for months.  It has been exhausting.  My father used to live with me, but my sister and her family moved here from another state recently to be closer to dad and help out.  He moved in with her. 

My sister and her family were no less busy than I, as a single parent of high school Junior.  You can imagine how tired, exhausted, and under appreciated we might have all felt at times...but if my dad needed to go to the hospital at midnight, we would load the car up and take him. No hesitations. 

Having set the stage for what happened this week, I want to share with you how amazing God was to show up for me even while I was being my "woeful" human self, flesh kicked into full gear, feeling tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, sorry for myself, but trying to keep a smile on for the rest of the world.  

My father had a doctor appointment on Monday, (after I had spent a physically and emotionally exhausting week out of town with my daughter).  Typically (not always) the receptionists look at the computer screen while asking for your information in a monotone voice.  Then, without really looking up, they check you in, or say they can not help you, etc. and call for the next in line.  

This was not the case with the receptionist who we went to for help with my father's schedule.  Regina was smiling, glowing almost, as she looked at my father and asked him for his information.  When she asked if I was his emergency contact, I replied "Yes," and then it happened...her necklace sparkled, and caught my attention, to which I said "Never mind me, I am just admiring your necklace."  

Regina studied the computer screen and I could see some confusion, the same confusion we had.  "He is supposed to have an appointment tomorrow but it is not showing up in is schedule." I told her.  "Can you help us?"  
"You are right, nothing is listed here.  Let me call down to that department and find out for you." She smiled as she picked up the phone.  

Immediately, my father's phone rang.  It was Debbie from the other department to confirm my father's appointment on Tuesday.  Regina did not even have the opportunity to dial the number.  She allowed us to remain in her cubicle rather than making us move to talk on the phone.  My father had me talk to Debbie to confirm the details as his memory is failing.  

After hanging up, we thanked Regina for helping us and my dad began to walk away but Regina handed me something in an envelope.  I told her I had my father's list of appointments and medications already, but when I glanced down I saw my name on it.  She said, "It is for you." With her big, beautiful smile she handed me the envelope. Then I notice it was missing!  Her necklace.  She had taken it off and put it in the envelope.   

I was stunned.  Speechless.  My throat tightened and tears began to well up as I started to hand it back. I could not take her necklace.  She just smiled as she said, "This is for you."  My father had left for the elevator and I needed to get to him.  My head was spinning.  She does not know the circumstances facing our family or how tired I am today. If she only knew how blessed I feel in this moment.  How could I even find the words to express everything going through my mind.  I filled out a "STAR" employee recognition card at her place of employment. Not for the gift, but for the sweet patience and graciousness she showed my dad and I during such a tender time.  

Once home that afternoon, I opened the envelope and read the note she included with the necklace.  The feelings of blessing washed over me again.   
I shared this story with everyone I spoke to the whole day, until I ran out of new faces to tell. 

WOE IS ME

In the light of this blessing, still feeling overwhelmed and tired. The list of to do's seems to be longer than the day.  Between a teenage daughter, hours spent at the doctor appointments, not to mention the travel time to and from, then home to a house that needs to be picked up, laundry, dishes and dinner (which is the last thing one thinks about when under so much stress, but everyone else wants to eat). I do not even have the chance to go grocery shopping...when do I have the time, so what is there to cook?  

See, where I am going with this? I started to feel a little under appreciated...
I was running myself ragged, coming home, cleaning house, trying to pull something together for dinner when I could barely stand, jump in bed with my bible and one of three devotionals that I could read maybe a verse or paragraph before falling asleep and then doing it all over again the next day. Thursday night at my sister's house we were syncing our calendars with dad's appointment schedule.  We try to both attend, but we take when our schedules conflict.  This also helps with caregiver stress.  I am glad God moved my sister  here (another great story) and we have each other during this difficult time. 

Back to Thursday night, I began to feel under appreciated, NOT by my father or sister. It can seem that the mother's work is never done (and this is not even about my daughter) more about appreciation in general.  I started on a "little-feeling-sorry-for-myself" trip and before you know it, I was on the all-inclusive "No-One-Thanks-You-for-Dinner-Or-Helps-Around-The-House-Or-Says-Wow-You-Have-A-Lot-On-Your-Plate-And-You-Still-Do-ALL-This-For-Others-How-Can-I-Help-You?" vacation.  My bags were packed and I was set to sail off to some dreary island not focusing on the blessings and appreciation all around (more on that in a minute). 

After appointments on Friday, I searched out Regina and I heard her smiling voice helping someone else even before I could see her.  I waited until her cubicle was empty and stepped in front of it.  She stood up, eyes widened and smiling, she motioned for me to come closer.  

"I got your note." She said. "I am so happy you came back because I really wanted to tell you what happened but I did not know how to tell you right then." She began. "That morning, when I got dressed, I went to put my necklace on.  I had not seen that necklace in over a year so I put it on, but the Holy Spirit to me to take an extra one with me. I thought that was strange because I never take two necklaces to work but when the Holy Spirit tells you to do something, you obey him." She said.

Regina went on to say, "When you said you admired my necklace, the Holy Spirit said, 'Give it to her.  I want her to feel appreciated.  I want her to know I appreciate her.'"  

She said, "I was not sure how you were going to take what I had to say to you, but since you came back today, I know I have to tell you. He wants you to know, He appreciates you.  He sees what you are doing and He appreciates you." 

I started to cry, I came there to tell her how she had blessed me, even though she did not know what I was going through.  But I did not need to tell her. And she did not bless me.  God used her to bless me as He does each of us who are willing instruments in His Orchestra.  He knows everything, all the time, and He is the One we need to look to for appreciation, not other people especially and including our family and friends. 

After talking a minute more, I asked if I could use her name in writing this story and she graciously gave her permission.    

I ran into Regina one more time that afternoon, in the hallway.  She impressed upon me the message the Holy Spirit had given her (last Monday as she saw me...remember He did not tell her that morning why she would bring two necklaces to work, just to do it and she obeyed).

"He wants you to know He appreciates you.  He sees what you do. And He loves you."  Immediately, I began to mentally unpack my "feeling-sorry-myself-suitcase" and trade in the tickets to "Feeling-Overlooked-Island" at "Humble-Junction."

God is Good.  Everything He does is good.